Stage 5 of My Makeup Evolution: Acceptance and Curation

I've been meaning to give closure to this Makeup Evolution for months now, but was caught up with schoolwork, labwork, and of course studying for my oral comprehensive exam.  I had made up my mind that this little blog was going to take a back seat until after at least June 4... but as of right now, 9:27pm 5/25/13 I declare myself incapable of studying for a while.  I seek reprieve from studying by closing up a gap in my blog.

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The stages of my makeup evolution so far:
Stage 1: Makeup to cover up
Stage 2: The power of makeup aka. "Makeup can do that?!"
Stage 3: Collect all the makeup
Stage 4: The purge

I started out not knowing anything about makeup and used it as a way to change my appearance to "fit in." I then discovered that makeup can be used to enhance, not alter.  And then I went crazy filling my cravings with everything makeup.  It took some time, but the age-old adage rang true: Quality over quantity.  I began purging my collection of things that were just things, items that had no quality to them that would make me feel good using it.  The purge and the self-imposed makeup diet really allowed me to assess what was worth keeping and what was worth adding.  In short, by going through these previous stages I have arrived at a sense of acceptance: I have allowed myself to feel healthy about my hobby with makeup and beauty.

I accept that I have a love with all that is makeup and beauty related.  I accept that this love is probably more than what the average woman has for her own makeup; however, I am realistic enough to also know that my love will never surmount some other people's addiction to this stuff (i.e. girls on YouTube and the blogosphere).  Does my obsession with makeup make me vain?  Sure, I can admit to being vain.  I like to look pretty, put-together, and polished.  Who wouldn't?!  But through this evolution, I've come to realized that wanting to look pretty and having a little vanity is not a weakness of my womanhood.  Having a little vanity is not a fault, rather it is what motivates me to put effort into making myself look, and feel, better.

This acceptance puts to rest two struggles I had before.  The first struggle being that liking makeup and taking time to put on makeup was somehow contradictory to being a strong, independent woman.  I'm not quite sure where this notion got ingrained in me, but I had felt that I first needed to put my time into academics and family to make sure those ends were met before I could take time to make myself feel good.  Somehow it wasn't okay in my mind to take time to put on powder and blush if those other more significant things in life hadn't been taken care of.  And it is true that in the grand scheme of things, makeup matters zero.  But if I put effort into everything else, why would putting effort into my appearance lessen my ability to be a strong independent woman?  Why should it diminish anything?  Through these stages, I've come to realize that liking makeup doesn't make me that superficial woman of my fears; rather I feel empowered by makeup.

The second struggle that I felt was between my consumerist-driven desire to acquire goods, and my practical (and somewhat frugal) nature.  After discovering the power of makeup, I went on a collecting spree, gathering anything and everything makeup.  Granted, I was still frugal in what I collected, but I still ended up spending a lot of money.  This blind hauling served to show me what waste comes from amassing quantity and not quality.  More positively, though, it gave me a chance to try out different items and figure out what works and what doesn't work for me specifically.  I would argue that had I not tried so many things, I would still have been curious and would not have reached this stage yet.  Through trying out all those different things, I've come to have a much better idea of my tastes and what would suit my skin type and skin tone.  It was an educational experience in both regards, and I don't regret having gone through it, so I give myself a pass for having spent money on those products that I ended up giving away or tossing.  Given that I've accepted my obsession with makeup, it's unrealistic to not allow myself to indulge in my hobby.  However, having gone through these changes, I am much more discerning on what I add to my collection.  I will not buy something just because it's the latest and greatest.  I will not buy something solely based on rave reviews; it must also be something truly unique and something that will suit me.

In this last phase, I will work on curating my collection, just as a curator of a museum, to a state where everything I have should have a purpose and reason for being in my collection.  What I have now could still be trimmed down some more (summer project).  I want to end up with a collection wherein I know the pieces will perform well for me and that will make me feel good using it.  In this quest, my collection will grow some and shrink some.  But that's another reason why makeup is such a fun hobby!

Stage 4 of My Makeup Evolution: The Purge

After I discovered makeup and YouTube I think I spent an entire year collecting makeup treasures.  The small 3-tier Sterilite container I once had no longer fit everything; I had to upgrade to a 10-drawer cart to store all the blushes and eyeshadows and lipsticks that I had amassed.  I still remember the night that I sat down to re-organize all of my items in this new drawer system... I remember feeling giddy, euphoric almost, like a pirate in front of his loot, only mine were multitudes of blushers and eyeshadow palettes.  Once I had everything organized the way I had always imagined it to be, I would pull out drawers at random and just admire the beauty it held.  It was perfect.

And for a short while I was content with my gold.  It brought me joy in the morning to walk over to my treasure chest and casually decide which lucky product would get used that day.  But then I quickly realized I kept choosing the same products over and over again while neglecting the others.  I knew which ones were buttery and full of pigment, which ones did not exaggerate my oily complexion, which ones stayed on all day... and these were the ones I gravitated towards.

As this discrimination process began, so the guilt started to slowly settle in.  Each day that I pulled out the drawers, instead of eliciting giddy I began to feel sad for the stuff that never got used.  I even attempted to make amends with my conscience by deliberately setting those dusty items out for use, but the root of the problem was my dislike for the products and that could not be forced however much I tried.  Seeing these products lay in waste stirred up feelings of angst and guilt at my consumerist hoarding ways.  At the time that I acquired those products, they all seemed so special and necessary; now they just looked sad, excessive and wasteful.

Enter the purge:

Stuff I collected but never used - gave away to new homes

Very old stuff that I neither liked nor missed - Tossed

Stuff I tried, didn't like, and would never have used up even in 3 lifetimes - Tossed

Expired stuff I inherited + a pot of foundation that reeked of chemicals - Tossed!

It was hard letting go of things I once treasured, like letting go of my golden bounty.  I've definitely had moments of greed and allowed a few items to creep back to the keep pile, just "in case I need it one day."  Of course I never really did "need it" nor did I ever miss any of the items I purged; it was all a mental state of "want it, need it, have to have it all."  And man was it euphoric to break that diseased state of mind.

I gave away I items that I enjoyed owning but never would've used.  I emptied out tubes and jars of stuff I have tried and hate and of items that were plain expired, and recycled the containers.  I went on a self-imposed makeup diet to consciously use up products that were merely sitting pretty on my shelves. Bit by bit, I trimmed away the excess.

Some may say this purge itself is waste - throwing away products and giving away perfectly new items that I purchased with my money.  To this, I agree.  If nothing else at all, I want these experiences to be a record of excess and waste to never be repeated again.

The 5 Stages of My Makeup Evolution: Stage 3

After discovering YouTube and the power of makeup, I gradually became obsessed with all things beauty related.  YouTube would be my nightly source of entertainment and it still is today.

Along with the techniques I picked up from watching YouTube tutorials, I also learned about different product types and functions.  Makeup brushes, for example, were something I never knew existed... until YouTube.  I remember one brush in particular being all the rage in 2009: the "skunk" brush a.k.a. the duo-fiber brush.  People touted its ability to blend foundation like a dream, giving an "airbrushed" look, perfect for applying cream blushers, etc.  Slowly but surely, I felt compelled to be an owner of this skunk brush... and countless other beauty items I saw and heard...

In the early stages of my newfound addition to makeup I was still much grounded in practicality.  I knew I didn't know how to use eyeshadows and did not want to buy many of that item.  I also knew I didn't like foundations, so I also refrained from purchasing those items.  What I had a weakness for then, and now, are blushers.  I slowly began to accumulate a new blusher here, and odd blusher there, all the while being conscious of not having too much.

My sense of practicality during this stage also prevented me from buying expensive makeup items.  I was incredulous whenever someone on YouTube "hauls" items from Sephora, say a Nars blush for $28; and I was flat-out flabbergasted when their shopping trip would amount to hundreds of dollars.  It was absolutely absurd to me to spend that much money on makeup.  I was much, much more comfortable with CVS and Wags, and the "poor-people" half of Ulta.

Somewhere between indulging in YouTube and cheap blushers, I discovered CVS' semi-annual makeup clearance event.  Of course the store does this to clear out old items to make room for new products, but back then this was the greatest thing that could've happened!  It was like being in a candy store and all the candies are 75% off!  I indulged and even gorged on products that weren't blushers; eyeshadows, foundations, lipsticks, lip glosses.... If I had to pinpoint a specific event that catapulted me into collecting makeup, it would be the CVS sales.

It didn't take but one or two trips to CVS during the sale for me to outgrow my tiny 3-drawer Sterilite storage system.  At first I was a bit mortified at my behavior, coming home with so much makeup.  But somehow, over time, the rush of having new makeup to swatch and play with overcame whatever practical sense I had in me.  I frequented the drugstores and Ulta more often, though I never ventured to the "rich-people" half of Ulta.  For me the thrill of shopping has always been finding the best bargain for my money; I aim to not pay full price for a lot of things, and makeup was no exception.  So in addition to regular drugstores, I also stalked the beauty sections of discount stores like Big Lots and Dollar Tree, even Marshalls and TJMaxx, always on the hunt for the next makeup bargain.

It's really a gift and a burden then that I am very good at finding bargains.  Almost every outing would result in some fantastic deals on makeup and my collection steadily grew.  Additionally I ransacked my sister's old, unwanted things and added to my collection old makeup that she had forgotten about.  These included a ridiculous amount of cheap gift-with-purchase items that seemed like free gold to me at the time.  I was on a high every time I added something to my collection.

And then it happened: the day I popped my "high-end makeup" cherry and purchased something from the "rich-people" side of Ulta...

The infamous NAKED palette

This was the first makeup item that I bought full-price at $44, and shamefully, it was all because of YouTube.  When this item first came out everyone on YouTube raved and raved about it - it was the best neutral palette, best quality, best colors, best everything; it was the end-all-be-all neutral eyeshadow palette.  To make my lemmings for this palette even worse every store was sold out of this product and even the company had it on backorder.  I actually took mild comfort in it being unavailable because I was convinced no makeup product is worth shelling out $44.  Yet, when I saw this one lone palette in Ulta that day, all my reasonings went out the window and I immediately snatched it off the shelf for fear that someone would beat me to buying it.  I coveted this palette for quite some time, it was so expensive after all; I kept it in its original container and didn't even swatch it because I didn't want to mar the beauty of the palette.

After this purchase I slowly became accustomed to the price of high-end makeup.  Although the high price tag no longer shocked me as it did in the beginning, I was (and am still) a frugal person at heart and did not indulge like the people I watched on YouTube.

But I was no better than them...  What I ended up with was an overflowing amount of makeup, mostly cheap and of poor quality, products that did not suit my style (lipstick) or lifestyle (blue eyeshadow?!).  Consequently, most of these items were hardly ever used.  But at this stage, I wanted it all and needed it all and I had to have it all!

The 5 Stages of My Makeup Evolution: Stage 2

Stage 2: The power of makeup a.k.a. "Makeup can do that?!"

Throughout college and even after graduating I seldom wore makeup.  A big reason for that was because I didn't know how to apply makeup properly.  The other reason was because I was too lazy to take time in making my face presentable.  I had already accepted the fact that pretty was for other girls - those who had the time and knowledge to perfect their natural-born beauty, and that I was not one of those girls.  It wasn't as if I loathed the way I looked; I merely accepted what I looked like and moved on.

That was until one night in 2009 when I stumbled on to this YouTube video by the infamous Michele Phan.

It escapes me now how I stumbled on to this video, but I distinctly remember my utter amazement at her transformation.  I realize now that this video is chock-full of advertisements for Lancome and that there are countless better natural transformation tutorials out there; however this was my first ever video that made makeup look not only beautiful but feasible for someone like me.  Somehow she effortlessly transformed herself into what I have always wanted makeup to do for me but never had the vision or insight to do for myself.  The result was simply natural and beautiful.  I watched and rewatched and showed the video to my sisters and my mom... just in awe of the power of makeup.

YouTube has this nifty feature where it recommends more videos for you based on the one you just watched.  This is nothing new now in 2013, and it wasn't new in 2009, but it was this feature that opened the gates to my newfound addiction: makeup.

In the first few days after discovering the first Michelle Phan video I had combed through and watched all of her tutorials; I probably added a few hundred views to her growing total count!  In addition to her, I also found countless other channels of people talking passionately about makeup and performing jaw-dropping before and after transformation.  Here was an entire community with the same shared obsession over this makeup thing that has just taken me over.  They talked of favorite beauty products, ways to apply, low-cost dupes for expensive items, product reviews, brand reviews, and the list goes on.  It was like someone had taken me to a new world and I was going through the tour of what this new world had to offer.  Just simply by stepping into this YouTube world, I had already changed my thoughts about makeup and its functions.  I knew then, just as I know now, that makeup would never look the same to me again.

The 5 Stages of My Makeup Evolution: Stage 1

Stage 1: Makeup to cover-up

I had always known about makeup.  It had been something that my mom puts on whenever there's a special occasion or pictures to be taken.  My earliest memory of makeup was when I was about 4 or 5 and my parents had my pictures taken.  Back then in my country this was a pretty damn big deal.  My mom donned me in my cleanest dress, neatly coiffed my bird's nest, and as a final touch, she dabbed some blush on my cheeks and some rouge on my lips.  The picture might have looked ridiculous, but I sure felt like a glamourous princess that day.

The next time that I would have makeup on my face was after we moved to the United States.  I was a 9 year old third-grader, freshly planted in an American school surrounded by American boys and girls.  They were anomalies to me as much as I was an anomaly to them.  My lack of English was something else that divided me from everyone else in my class.  Without a way to connect and make friendship, they turned to teasing me about all that is different between me and them - my hair, my skin, my teeth, my nose, and mostly, my eyes.

When people say kids can be cruel, I can only agree wholeheartedly.  The teasing about my Asian eyes were so bad that I distinctly remembered waking up early one morning before school to use my mom's eyeliner to draw on fake creases on my eyelids.  I looked absolutely ridiculous.  So ridiculous that I have blocked out part of that day's memories - I can't recall if I went to school like that or if someone stopped me from that tragedy.  I do remember getting a very embarrassing lecture that night from my father's friend's daughter.  In front of my entire family she lectured me on why I shouldn't be using makeup so young; that no one in elementary school wears makeup and that it's ridiculous to even think about such thing at that age.  Of course looking back she was right; but at the time how I wished she could've experienced my pains at school.

I didn't touch makeup again until  late high-school.  At that time I was still very insecure about myself - my teeth weren't perfect, my eyes weren't big and round like every one else at school, my skin was beginning to go through its acne flares.  During this time makeup was a resource I tried to use to cover up giant angry pimples that always, always, crop up overnight in the middle of my face.  At this point in my life, I had no idea what makeup to use or even how to use it.  I was also ignorant about how clean my face before and after putting on makeup, which probably contributed to the sprouting of many more pimples.

Even when I got to college, makeup really didn't make sense.  I knew what pretty looked like on other people but never imagined myself to have the capacity to look as pretty, so makeup was "pretty" but useless.  For special occasions and such I did put on makeup, but not in any way that looked good.  Two products that I remember using that now make me shudder violently:

Maybelline Mineral Power Liquid Foundation

This disaster of a foundation made my already oily skin extra, extra greasy.  Half an hour in to wearing it, my face would become so shiny and reflective.  In addition, a gross oily + powder film would transfer to anything that touched my face.  But never did I question why my face was felt so gross or looked like I'd dunk it in a vat of vaseline; I just assumed that was how all makeup felt.  I had no idea what my skin type was or how to accomodate it.  Powder over your foundation?  What for?!  I was cluelessly slathering this sh*t on my face whenever I felt the need to wear makeup; the only saving grace is that I didn't wear it very often.

Maybelline Great Lash Mascara

This was the first mascara I ever bought, and the only mascara I ever owned for a very long time.  It was in every beauty magazine I ever flipped through, winning all these awards for all these years.  I figured if it stuck around for 4 decades, it must be a fantastic product.  False!  I realize now that this mascara is the crappiest of crap mascara on the market, doing absolutely nothing good and everything bad to my lashes.  It didn't add any volume or length; it didn't hold a curl.  Whatever product I put on my lashes made them droopy, and gave me the worst raccoon eyes ever.  I despise this product and I despise all the ads that claim it to be anything but crap.  But at the time, I thought that's how all mascaras were supposed to be...

During this stage of my makeup evolution, I was pretty much Oblivious Olivia.  I had no clue about skincare (it's actually a miracle that I even knew to wash my face back then!), what my skin type is, what colors suited me, how to use makeup, why to use certain products... I used products blindly (or based on magazine suggestions) to hide myself; all the particulars about makeup that is so wonderful completely escaped me.  It was merely a way to cover up.

Forgotten memories: A black banana

One late September day in 2012 my labmate and I were heading home.  We sat next to each other on the bus and I had my bookbag on my lap.  As we were idly chatting, I fumbled around in the front mesh compartment of my bookbag, not really looking to find anything of importance.  Lo and behold, my fingers felt something flat and hard with a texture that I can't describe.  With no idea what laid in my bookbag, I pulled out a flattened black banana in front of everyone in the crowded bus.

When I first discovered this black banana I couldn't stop laughing.  Seriously, how long did this banana stay in my bag before it got to this blackened state?  I then remembered that a few weeks/months before this discovery, my bag had a strange smell that I couldn't identify nor could the source be found.  I remembered sniffing my bag inside and out, and couldn't find anything - I figured it was a residual smell of the many lunches I've carried in this bag.  Boy was I wrong!  I presume that even at that time the banana must've already turned black and camouflaged itself in my dark navy bookbag; I'd like to think I could've spotted this banana if it was till yellow...

Not only was this banana black as night, it was stiff as wood.  But then the mystery question... what happened to all the banana goo?  Presumably being in the front outermost of my bookbag this thing would've endured a lot of pressure, hence why it's so flattened... but where did all the banana inside go?  My bag was not covered in any banana residue, and neither did this thing...

My hypothesis on what happened: This was a banana I took from home to eat at school.  It must have been still under-ripe because I wouldn't have put it in my bookbag otherwise.  I forget to eat this piece of fruit and it goes unnoticed for the next few days.  Because I forget that there's a banana in the front of my bookbag, I haphazardly throw my bag any which way as I do normally.  This gradually puts pressure on the banana to flatten slowly without having the entire thing explode in my bag.  Eventually the slow process of adding pressure to it makes the banana completely flattened and dried, hence why I was able to detect some smell but not have any goo or mold in my bag.  As for how long it took for the banana to get that black, I have no idea.... weeks, months?  Who knows for how long I had it in my bag?

The disgust of what had just happened really didn't hit me until I went home.  My poor friend who was probably really disgusted with my discovery, as well as all the people on the bus who probably thought I was the biggest slob... I can only wish that I had made this discovery in the privacy of my own home without any witnesses.

As a measure of cruel and unusual punishment, I blindfolded H and challenged him to guess the black banana based on feel.  He was quite puzzled at the item until he got to the banana stem and immediately ripped off his blindfold to scream "WTF!"

Glasses & glosses

What does a pair of cheap reader glasses and 2 glosses (technically 1 gloss and 1 lip balm) have in common?  H purchased them for me from Walmart one Friday night while we were out shopping for a wedding card to go with the wedding gift we were going to give the next morning.  

The readers are +1.00 magnification, but they don't really work.  See, my normal vision is fine - better than perfect, in fact.  I bought them in anticipation of being called for jury duty in  a few weeks......  I was going to go into more details why, but the paranoid schizo on my shoulder is advising I talk about makeup instead....

In every major superstore I visit, a walkthrough of the beauty aisles is a necessary requirement.  It's a ritual that if skipped will leave me feeling anxious, empty, and irritated.  

So Walmart was no exception - I had to peruse through their makeup/beauty section.  And to my delight I found the new Maybelline Baby Lips in Melon Mania.  I had been looking for the new ones since last year and never found it.  I should have figured, of course, that the product I was looking for would be in the store I don't go to very often, if at all.  Not gonna lie, a tiny kid inside me did a little Flintstone kick when I spotted this.  Yabba dabba doo!

Then.... I spotted the new L'oreal Shine Caresse Stain.  This insignificant, meaningless little thing caused me to have a huge fight with myself in the middle of Walmart.  If my inner selves were recorded on mic, it would go something like this:

Id: O man! That's the new lip stains!  How nice does it look! How wonderful if I could own it!

Ego: It's all packaging.  They make it new and shiny so that I'll want to buy it.  Don't fall for the trap!

Id: It's so shiny!  And it's going to feel great on my lips and leave this glossy stain that will make me look like a superstar!

Ego: Get real - no lip product can make anyone a superstar.  It's probably not going to be glossy and the stain will probably fade quicker than I can return it.  And it's probably so drying my lips will shed sheets of skin.  Remember the incident last November when I needed medical help?

Id: I don't have anything like this, and I really want it, really really bad.  How satisfying would it be to just buy it and have it as my own, when I've lusted over it for so many weeks!

Ego: But I already have so many lip products!  And I already found the Baby Lips - I can't possibly add more.  Let's be good and stick to our plan of not over-indulging.

Id, turned Gollum: It's so shiny!  We wants it! WE WANTS IT NOW!

The super-ego, always the silent mediator, wise but not infallible, listened to both sides intensely.  

Super-ego: I have many lip products, but none the same as this new one.  It's true that I have lusted over this for a few weeks now, which means I won't soon forget about it.  And if I don't get it now, I'll be thinking about how and when to get it in the future, which will be unpleasant for all concerned.  So, I get to pick out one to take home.  And if H is treating, then I am still being good and not indulging myself; he is indulging me!

In the end, of course, the id was very satisfied and the ego was appeased, and I got to go home with a shiny new Caresse Stain in Pink Rebellion.  And all slept very peacefully that night... until the morning when we realized we did not have enough wrapping paper for the wedding gift!